You don’t look so good December, 1 2011

So I did it, I finally decided to join a support group.  After realizing that my husband may not be emotionally equipped to handle another month of tests and trying.  This past Saturday, after feeling very hopeful, since I was late and not feeling well, I got my period.  It also happened to be the day that I was supposed to be making greeting cards for an upcoming craft sale I’m doing and was to host 11 people for a belated Thanksgiving dinner.  To make things all the more glorious, I was have intense cramps and back aches from my late Thanksgiving gift-hard to be thankful for that gift to say the least.  The ladies from the support group have been very welcoming and open.  We haven’t even had our first meeting yet, but I already feel more supported than I did just the other day.  I totally believe that there are certain things in life that you are presented with and the decisions that you make can impact your life both positively and negatively.  I think this support group will be a positive thing for me.  It is so nice to be able to talk to other people who are going through similar issues.  It just makes you feel less alone.  It’s amazing how isolating the infertility journey can be.  Moving to another state for college and staying has already isolated me from my friends and family back home.  It’s been hard to find and keep good friends here because everyone is so busy and has their own lives to deal with or they live too far away to easily get together.  There are just some things that you need to talk to other women about, and infertility, for me, seems to be one of them.  My husband tries, but there is no way her could ever completely understand.

The other day I received an email from my mother-in-law.  She was thanking me for having her over on Saturday for Thanksgiving.  She also mentioned that she was worried about me and was wondering if I was ok.  It took me a day to respond, because with this whole thing I just haven’t felt comfortable sharing my experiences with my family, including my husband’s family, and honestly, I’m not really ok.  After talking to my husband, I decided that she deserved a response, even if I wasn’t sure what to say.  I decided to just start typing and see what came out and what I was willing to tell her.  What came out was blatant honesty.  I told her high level details of what we had been going through.  I explained to her how I was feeling about how her son’s attitude lately was weighing on me, how the physical, mental and emotional toll was really starting to have side effects in the rest of my life.  She responded by telling me that she could tell my heart was heavy and that she wanted to help me in any way she could.  She suggested we go to dinner or go shopping.  Although, the thought was nice, and really what else could she have said or suggested?  The last thing I want to do is to go shopping or to dinner with someone who is just going to stare at me waiting to see if I’ll start cracking.

A lot of people have been telling me that I don’t look so hot lately, my family, my acupuncturist, my coworkers and even my crazy boss.  The nausea, headaches and mood swings from the hormones aren’t really helping anything either.  Last night as I was waiting for my husband to get home from work I fell asleep.  It was around 5:00.  I know I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately, and on a good day I need/like to get at least 7 hours.  My husband woke me up when he got home.  Then he made dinner and did the dishes, but while he was doing that I fell asleep again.  Instead of just letting me sleep, he woke me up again and made me eat.  That’s the other thing I’ve been noticing…my eating habits have been changing, or slipping.  I have always been pretty good about what I eat, but lately, it’s just hard to keep the motivation to do something good for myself.  The days drag by, and I’m constantly reminded of things I don’t have.  I try to focus on the positive, and think about the things I do have, but it’s hard.  During the day I have grand plans to decorate the house for the holidays, make more cards, workout, etc. and then I end up going home and curling up on the couch zoning out to On Demand shows that aren’t even that good and going to bed early, only to suffer from insomnia until my husband comes back to bed, which inevitably wakes me up again, after I’ve finally fallen asleep.

The worst part of last night was that my husband was mad at me that I had fallen asleep-not so much that I had fallen asleep, but mad that he made dinner and did the dishes.  I understand his frustration that he was doing more work than me, but there is obviously a reason why I’m falling asleep at 5:00.  Either I’m not sleeping enough or I don’t feel well, and last night it was a combination of both.  It just seems like he has no concept of what I’m going through-and when I think about it, he probably doesn’t.  He’s been so focused on trying to understand his own emotions and issues that he can’t see what I’m going through.  We got into an argument about it this morning on the way to work.  We’ve been trying to carpool on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have yoga and Pilates.  It seems to be working pretty well, until we are both crabby like this morning.  I don’t know if this bothers anyone else, but after I’ve already admitted that I’m crabby; do not point it out to me.  In fact, never point it out to me.  I do not need to be reminded that I’m crabby, I already know, and you continuously pointing it out to me, does not help.  Oh, and while we're on the subject of not telling people things they already know...please don't tell me that I look like crap, it doesn't help with the crabbiness.

Let’s just say I am ready for my acupuncture treatment, yoga, Pilates and sleep today.  I think I may need to take a day off.  Hopefully, the day will go by more quickly-doubtful since it’s the end of the year and the project/work load has significantly slowed.

6.1 Million People November 22, 2011

Does anyone else find it interesting that the numbers for Bullying are the same as the numbers for people dealing with Infertility?  By interesting, I mean so incredibly sad.  Both destroy you in many ways.  It’s hard to listen to the news without hearing about another horrible act of violence perpetrated by a bully or for those getting bullied to take matters into their own hands.  Those individuals that choose to end their lives because of all their suffering are even more tragic because many of their parents probably had trouble conceiving them.  I’ll come right out and say that I’m a Pro Choice kind of girl, but dealing with infertility does make you value human life even more than you did before. 

We had an interesting conversation and initial meeting with our Reproductive Endocrinologist last week.  She said it’s really hard on couples to keep trying the same thing over and over again each month hoping for a different outcome.  I sarcastically asked: “Isn’t that the definition of insanity?”  Not sure she really liked that...

It’s very hard to have humor be a part of your life during all these struggles.  The hormones are making me act so different than normal…or maybe they are just exaggerating things in me that were always there.  I have hot flashes randomly and then I’ll be freezing not too long after.  My headaches are back and more frequent.  I’m a lot more emotional that I typically am…granted I’m a Cancer, so being emotional is kinda something I’m good at.  However, I have never been one to cry at commercials or show a lot of emotion during movies.  Sure, when I’m alone watching The Notebook, I might cry, but typically not in front of my husband.  Before it was just because I never really saw the point…you always feel gross afterwards.  Now I try not to cry so my husband doesn’t have to feel bad.

After our appointment with the RE, my husband decided to inform me that he no longer wanted to do any “Dr. stuff.”  He felt that the appointment was a waste of time and that each new appointment just sets us up for more failure.  We decided on a new course of action.  I’ll get some blood work and an ultrasound done on the third day of my cycle.  This will test my hormone levels and see how many viable follicles I have.  I’ll have to take Clomid again, and then they will do another ultrasound around day 11 of my cycle.  If my follicles are big enough then I’ll have to give myself a shot that will drop the eggs and start my ovulation process.  If the follicles aren’t big enough yet, I’ll have to keep coming back until they are big enough.  The thing I’m really looking forward to with all of this, besides having a plan, because if you know me, you know that I love planning…I’m excited about not having to buy and deal with any ovulation predictor kits.  That is such a sense of freedom; I can’t even begin to explain.  When you are peeing on a stick every morning at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning around the middle of your cycle, the idea of not even having to look at another one of those sticks is so nice.

Can I also just say that I’m so tired of filling out new patient forms at doctor’s offices?  Not only do they ask totally personal questions about me and my husband, such as “are you able to ejaculate in your partner’s vagina” to what is the medical history of your fourth cousin once removed and did they have trouble conceiving…ok I’m exaggerating about that last question, but really.  Not only do they ask these crazy personal questions, but then they only give you about half a centimeter to answer the question.  I was also greatly disturbed that they asked a little bit about my habits, i.e. do I smoke and drink like a sailor, but they never asked about my emotional well being or what I ate.  They asked about activities that I did as hobbies, but again not specifically about things I was doing to potentially help fertility.  I really wanted to write, haven’t been drinking for months, but all I can think about after I get my period is a nice glass of wine.  My husband thinks I’m crazy and that I should drink if and when I want to, until we know for sure that I’m not preggers, but I just can’t do it yet.

I’m concerned that my husband isn’t totally on board with the next phase of testing and our next plan of attack for the whole baby making thing.  We got an estimate of what our costs would be to do an IVF session, and it is not cheap.  Not to mention we have school loans, tuition, a new car, plus all of our normal monthly expenses.  I’m going to have to do a lot more consulting if I want to pay for a round of this, and I’ll probably have to start taking out loans for school, instead of paying for it out of pocket, like I had wanted to.  It’s so sad that a lot of the time a couple’s happiness and the success of starting a family are contingent upon finances.  Neither of our parents would be able to help us out financially with this…I guess you could call it a burden.  It’s sad to think of a potential life being a burden or at least a strain.

I texted my husband today to say that if we felt like it after our crazy day at work, after I get done with Yoga and Pilates, after we finish with our run to Target, and then after we try and fit dinner in there somewhere that we should play some Kinect.  His response was, “what about your business, do you think you should be jumping?”  Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this statement.  First, since when is this whole baby thing my business only.  Secondly, since when did trying to make a baby become a business and finally, you’d think after 21 months of trying (I had to figure that out for my appointment with the RE last week) that jumping would be the least of our concerns?

My family is coming to town tomorrow, and I already got asked by my sister why I’m not drinking.  This only came up because I offered to drive the fam to and from trivia tomorrow night.  For quite a while now, my husband, his brother and his brother’s wife and I have been going to trivia on Wednesday nights.  I haven’t been going as much because you typically don’t get home until almost midnight, and it just wasn’t allowing me to get enough beauty sleep.  Seeing as how none of us have to work on Thursday we are all planning on going to trivia tomorrow night and since my family will be here we thought they’d like to come along too since my dad is a little obsessed with trivia.  Anyway, my family has seen me not drink around them many times before, since for some reason I’m usually in my holding pattern when we see them.  So she wasn’t too surprised when I told her I just don’t drink anymore.  There are a lot of other reasons for me not drink, not only because it really isn’t that great for you, but also because not drinking has helped me keep off a few of the pounds I lost this past year.  I was also starting to notice that I would tend to drink a little more than I should after I got my period each month, so I just thought that it was in my best interest to avoid it all together.  It also does say that drinking while taking Clomid might not be such a great idea, and since I’m already having some of the 1% chance symptoms, I kinda figured I didn’t need to test it and see if alcohol would give me any further side effects.  Overall, I’m excited to see my family (not so excited about the $200 grocery bill we had last night) but excited none the less.  I hope that we don’t get on the baby topic, because I just don’t even know how to start to tell them about everything.  I know I’ll start crying, which will make them cry and feel bad.  Honestly, there really isn’t anything they can do, and they don’t know what to say or how to say it.  The joys of being the only infertile in the family-gotta love it!

11.11.11

Here’s hoping that all the wishes that went out in the universe today come true-at least all the worthy ones.  The wishes that people make about stupid things like wishing their boobs were bigger (I’m sure in the course of my lifetime I’ve wished for that more than once) just seem so banal to our wish.  About nine or ten months ago, I was idly day-dreaming about how cool it would be to have a baby on 11.11.11.  Well, clearly, day-dreaming about the day I give birth was my first mistake.  Honestly, there are times where I think that putting good energy out into the world and hoping for something so much that it might make some small difference.  Other days, when I’m not feeling very optimistic I often think that I’m jinxing myself by putting my intentions out into the world.  My yoga and Pilates instructor would tell me that setting an intention and focusing on it is the way to enlightenment or at least in the case of mere mortals like me, a way to maintain my hope and have a purpose.  There are a lot of intentions that we all set for ourselves and our lives, but I have a healthy dose of realism in me, so I struggle with this concept and what the best way to approach our situation is.

Today I took a step in trying to reach out to my family.  I may have mentioned before that they haven’t exactly been supportive or helpful.  I don’t blame them for this.  As they have no basis from where to draw support on this topic, but at the same time I always hope that they would offer generalized support, like asking how our lives are going.  I would think that this type of interest might offset the lack of support about the lack of baby making.  I actually decided to send out an e-mail to my family asking them to make a wish at 11:11 on 11.11.11 for us.  I even specifically asked that they make a wish for us about our baby making chances.  I know it’s cheesy, but I figured we needed as much help as we could get. 

My mom responded quickly that she definitely would and that she loved me, which was nice, but still not exactly the support I was looking for.  My dad responded by saying that he just happened to look at his e-mail at 10:59 and 45 seconds and saw my e-mail.  He thought that was a sign.  He then told me to take a few days off from thinking about everything.  Riiiighht, cause it’s just so easy to turn off thoughts about the one thing you dreamed of as a kid.  I never dreamed of my wedding like other girls did, but I always dreamed of being a mom.  My sister never responded, and still hasn’t about six hours later.  Most of the time, I don’t know what I expect my family to say, mostly because I will probably feel like nothing they say is what I need them to say.  I’ve been especially sensitive lately to comments, not necessarily related to the baby trying, but just in general.  People are just starting to rub me the wrong way lately.  I’d like to believe that it’s the hormones playing with me again.  I think I can officially say that the Clomid has made me even more emotional, if that was even possible.  As a Cancer, my emotions tend to be all over the place.  My husband thinks its fun to point out when I’m PMSing.  For the last few years, it’s only been lasting a day, but it’s a hell of a day for anyone around me.  I really should just lock myself up on those days, not only because of the irrational reactions and comments to things, but also because that day is when I realize that I’m not pregnant and that my period is coming within a week.

Since last night was a beautiful full moon, I found myself hoping that it was a good sign, that there were many good things to come.  I was also thinking how the cycles of the moon were just like my monthly cycles.  The new moon holds new possibility, with the potential for greatness on the horizon, just like each new cycle holds the possibility that this could finally be the month I get pregnant.  The waxing and waning moon cycles (impressed that I remembered that from 8^th grade science) are just the agonizing days between the big phases of the cycle.  The full moon reminds me of being filling to the brim, both with hope and possibility, but also with blood.  I know that sounds gross, but I have to be thankful that my cycle is pretty regular and that my body (at least to my knowledge) is still performing its monthly cycle duties the way it should be.  Ok, enough with the moons, I’m starting to sound like I’m trying to name the next Twilight Saga book.

Last night’s full moon just happened to coincide with my ovulation this month.  Since the best time to do the IUI is within the first 48 hour window after the pretty pink lines appear on the ovulation tester stick, we have scheduled our injections for the weekend.  We have to deliver E’s “sample” to the Andrology clinic at 8:30.  Then, we come back at 11:00 for the injection.  I was idiotically hoping that I would get to have an 11:00 appointment today.  Any extra little piece of luck that could come our way would be great.  Last month, we only did one injection of E’s stuff during my ovulation window, but we just decided to ask if we could do two this cycle and they said yes!  We are very excited about this additional possibility.  Hopefully, this will be the day our luck changes!

Love & Other Drugs: Part 2 Lovin' The Drugs November 8, 2011

Last Thursday at my annual dermatology appointment the doctor found a mole that needed to be removed.  Nothing like a serious health scare to put things into perspective, yet again.  I’m honestly getting a little tired of all this perspective I have.  Anyway, the experience was less than what I expected.  I had never been to this dermatologist’s office before, but was referred there by my primary doctor.  I had to wait about twenty minutes to be seen, which isn’t really that much, but I was hoping to only be gone from work about an hour. 

So, I now have a hole on my stomach.  As if I needed to think about my stomach any more than I already am, focusing on that area was the last thing I needed to think about during the second round of Clomid.  The second round was defiantly better than the first.  I started taking the meds on Halloween…if that isn’t a sign, then I don’t know what is.  Not sure exactly what kind of sign, but either way it’s a sign.  I was at the end of a consulting gig and wanted nothing more than to be sitting on my couch at home in the cool basement.  I started having some crazy hot flashes about an hour after taking my first dose.  I seriously felt like I was about to internally combust.  I was so hot one of the girls I was consulting with asked if I was ok.  She said I looked really red and that she could feel heat coming from me.  Nice.  Not only was I trying to deal with this whole hormone taking drama with dignity, I had to deal with more side effects.  I was hoping after the first round with the Clomid that my body would be more used to it and I wouldn’t have such as strong reaction.  Wicked hot flashes aside, I got pretty lucky with this round of Clomid.  No numbness or other excessively rare side effects.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Giuliana Rancic.  I actually happened to be home the morning that she announced her diagnosis.  Giuliana had been dealing with infertility issues and wouldn’t have found out that she had Breast Cancer if it weren’t for all of her troubles.  The part that really bothered me was that she’s only 36.  That’s not all that much older than me.  I can’t help but think that maybe the results of the mole will come back positive and be one of or the reason that we can’t get pregnant.  My co-worker was also recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Thankfully, it was at its earliest stages, but I just hate how prevalent Breast Cancer has become.  It reminds me of my grandma, which reminds me she’s gone, which makes me sad.

Back to my mole…I just got a call from the Dr’s office and they said that everything is fine.  I just need to keep an eye on it and return in a year for a check-up.  I am very thankful for that.  I’m not sure if I could have handled another challenge right now. 

October 11, 2011

It’s our three year wedding anniversary, yippie!  After I did my second acupuncture treatments and two and a half hours of yoga and Pilates, my sweet husband came and picked me up and we went out to a nice dinner.  It was good to be at our favorite restaurant and close out the rest of the world.  We talked a lot about what each of us were feeling.  I think that’s a key to us staying sane and still loving each other during this process.  If we didn’t talk about everything, how we are feeling or dealing and most of the time not dealing with this whole bumpy road to parenthood often, I’m not sure where we’d be.  We know of a couple who claims they have never gotten into a fight.  I say claim, because are there really people that oblivious to reality?  I want to say to them, you seriously have never had a difference of opinion on anything?  What do you talk about?  My husband and I spend hours debating different issues…granted not everyone is married to an attorney, but what’s the fun in a relationship when you don’t push each other a little.  This specific couple has gotten everything handed to them on a nice, pretty, silver platter.  Their parents paid for college for them, they got their house basically given to them and got conveniently pregnant after only five months of marriage.  I am very happy for them, but seriously?  Give a girl a break.  Oh, and did I mention that another couple we know is already pregnant with their second child in the time we’ve been working on just making one baby.  She was nice about the whole thing, unlike her husband who said “It seems like all I have to do is shake my di*k at her and she’s pregnant.”  Really sensitive-not sure if there is anything more to say about that, but today has been a good reminder of why my husband and I love each other and are thankful that we still enjoy debating with each other.  I acknowledge that everyone has a different path and although I’m tempted to question my path occasionally I’d like to believe that there is some plan or end goal to look forward to.  The hard part is when the only path you’ve ever really wanted was to be a mother.

Love and Other Drugs: Part 1 October 5, 2011

Um…excuse me…why is your forehead bleeding? October 4, 2011

That’s an excellent question…not it’s not from some sick ritual or evil pimple, just your garden variety acupuncture treatment.  Today was my first treatment and I’m already in love.  I have the best acupuncturist.  She’s so sweet and understanding, but also gets right down to business, which is totally my style.  Today we did some general meridian work in addition to trying to help my infertility issues.  She also helped me get rid of some lingering side effects from a wicked migraine the day before-hence my bleeding forehead.  My acupuncturist and I have a plan for a few different types of treatments not only for infertility, but also for my joint disorder.  I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS).  EDS is a genetic, connective tissue disorder that oftentimes can skip a generation.  Guess who it landed on?  Yea me!  There are various forms of EDS, I happen to have the hyper mobility kind, which means that I’m extra bendy.  This can be good and even fun in the right situation, but also quite painful most of the time.  Because my muscles have to work extra hard to keep my ligaments and joints in place, I am always battling with severe muscle tension.  Since I’ve been trying to get pregnant I haven’t been able to take any muscle relaxants for about three years now.  The yoga and Pilates both help and bother me at the same time.  It’s nice to get some good stretching in and core work is never a bad thing, but there are certain moves or positions that require extra effort and strength because I can go too far into the poses.