So I did it, I finally decided to join a support group. After realizing that my husband may not be emotionally equipped to handle another month of tests and trying. This past Saturday, after feeling very hopeful, since I was late and not feeling well, I got my period. It also happened to be the day that I was supposed to be making greeting cards for an upcoming craft sale I’m doing and was to host 11 people for a belated Thanksgiving dinner. To make things all the more glorious, I was have intense cramps and back aches from my late Thanksgiving gift-hard to be thankful for that gift to say the least. The ladies from the support group have been very welcoming and open. We haven’t even had our first meeting yet, but I already feel more supported than I did just the other day. I totally believe that there are certain things in life that you are presented with and the decisions that you make can impact your life both positively and negatively. I think this support group will be a positive thing for me. It is so nice to be able to talk to other people who are going through similar issues. It just makes you feel less alone. It’s amazing how isolating the infertility journey can be. Moving to another state for college and staying has already isolated me from my friends and family back home. It’s been hard to find and keep good friends here because everyone is so busy and has their own lives to deal with or they live too far away to easily get together. There are just some things that you need to talk to other women about, and infertility, for me, seems to be one of them. My husband tries, but there is no way her could ever completely understand.
The other day I received an email from my mother-in-law. She was thanking me for having her over on Saturday for Thanksgiving. She also mentioned that she was worried about me and was wondering if I was ok. It took me a day to respond, because with this whole thing I just haven’t felt comfortable sharing my experiences with my family, including my husband’s family, and honestly, I’m not really ok. After talking to my husband, I decided that she deserved a response, even if I wasn’t sure what to say. I decided to just start typing and see what came out and what I was willing to tell her. What came out was blatant honesty. I told her high level details of what we had been going through. I explained to her how I was feeling about how her son’s attitude lately was weighing on me, how the physical, mental and emotional toll was really starting to have side effects in the rest of my life. She responded by telling me that she could tell my heart was heavy and that she wanted to help me in any way she could. She suggested we go to dinner or go shopping. Although, the thought was nice, and really what else could she have said or suggested? The last thing I want to do is to go shopping or to dinner with someone who is just going to stare at me waiting to see if I’ll start cracking.
A lot of people have been telling me that I don’t look so hot lately, my family, my acupuncturist, my coworkers and even my crazy boss. The nausea, headaches and mood swings from the hormones aren’t really helping anything either. Last night as I was waiting for my husband to get home from work I fell asleep. It was around 5:00. I know I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately, and on a good day I need/like to get at least 7 hours. My husband woke me up when he got home. Then he made dinner and did the dishes, but while he was doing that I fell asleep again. Instead of just letting me sleep, he woke me up again and made me eat. That’s the other thing I’ve been noticing…my eating habits have been changing, or slipping. I have always been pretty good about what I eat, but lately, it’s just hard to keep the motivation to do something good for myself. The days drag by, and I’m constantly reminded of things I don’t have. I try to focus on the positive, and think about the things I do have, but it’s hard. During the day I have grand plans to decorate the house for the holidays, make more cards, workout, etc. and then I end up going home and curling up on the couch zoning out to On Demand shows that aren’t even that good and going to bed early, only to suffer from insomnia until my husband comes back to bed, which inevitably wakes me up again, after I’ve finally fallen asleep.
The worst part of last night was that my husband was mad at me that I had fallen asleep-not so much that I had fallen asleep, but mad that he made dinner and did the dishes. I understand his frustration that he was doing more work than me, but there is obviously a reason why I’m falling asleep at 5:00. Either I’m not sleeping enough or I don’t feel well, and last night it was a combination of both. It just seems like he has no concept of what I’m going through-and when I think about it, he probably doesn’t. He’s been so focused on trying to understand his own emotions and issues that he can’t see what I’m going through. We got into an argument about it this morning on the way to work. We’ve been trying to carpool on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have yoga and Pilates. It seems to be working pretty well, until we are both crabby like this morning. I don’t know if this bothers anyone else, but after I’ve already admitted that I’m crabby; do not point it out to me. In fact, never point it out to me. I do not need to be reminded that I’m crabby, I already know, and you continuously pointing it out to me, does not help. Oh, and while we're on the subject of not telling people things they already know...please don't tell me that I look like crap, it doesn't help with the crabbiness.
Let’s just say I am ready for my acupuncture treatment, yoga, Pilates and sleep today. I think I may need to take a day off. Hopefully, the day will go by more quickly-doubtful since it’s the end of the year and the project/work load has significantly slowed.
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