You don’t look so good December, 1 2011

So I did it, I finally decided to join a support group.  After realizing that my husband may not be emotionally equipped to handle another month of tests and trying.  This past Saturday, after feeling very hopeful, since I was late and not feeling well, I got my period.  It also happened to be the day that I was supposed to be making greeting cards for an upcoming craft sale I’m doing and was to host 11 people for a belated Thanksgiving dinner.  To make things all the more glorious, I was have intense cramps and back aches from my late Thanksgiving gift-hard to be thankful for that gift to say the least.  The ladies from the support group have been very welcoming and open.  We haven’t even had our first meeting yet, but I already feel more supported than I did just the other day.  I totally believe that there are certain things in life that you are presented with and the decisions that you make can impact your life both positively and negatively.  I think this support group will be a positive thing for me.  It is so nice to be able to talk to other people who are going through similar issues.  It just makes you feel less alone.  It’s amazing how isolating the infertility journey can be.  Moving to another state for college and staying has already isolated me from my friends and family back home.  It’s been hard to find and keep good friends here because everyone is so busy and has their own lives to deal with or they live too far away to easily get together.  There are just some things that you need to talk to other women about, and infertility, for me, seems to be one of them.  My husband tries, but there is no way her could ever completely understand.

The other day I received an email from my mother-in-law.  She was thanking me for having her over on Saturday for Thanksgiving.  She also mentioned that she was worried about me and was wondering if I was ok.  It took me a day to respond, because with this whole thing I just haven’t felt comfortable sharing my experiences with my family, including my husband’s family, and honestly, I’m not really ok.  After talking to my husband, I decided that she deserved a response, even if I wasn’t sure what to say.  I decided to just start typing and see what came out and what I was willing to tell her.  What came out was blatant honesty.  I told her high level details of what we had been going through.  I explained to her how I was feeling about how her son’s attitude lately was weighing on me, how the physical, mental and emotional toll was really starting to have side effects in the rest of my life.  She responded by telling me that she could tell my heart was heavy and that she wanted to help me in any way she could.  She suggested we go to dinner or go shopping.  Although, the thought was nice, and really what else could she have said or suggested?  The last thing I want to do is to go shopping or to dinner with someone who is just going to stare at me waiting to see if I’ll start cracking.

A lot of people have been telling me that I don’t look so hot lately, my family, my acupuncturist, my coworkers and even my crazy boss.  The nausea, headaches and mood swings from the hormones aren’t really helping anything either.  Last night as I was waiting for my husband to get home from work I fell asleep.  It was around 5:00.  I know I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately, and on a good day I need/like to get at least 7 hours.  My husband woke me up when he got home.  Then he made dinner and did the dishes, but while he was doing that I fell asleep again.  Instead of just letting me sleep, he woke me up again and made me eat.  That’s the other thing I’ve been noticing…my eating habits have been changing, or slipping.  I have always been pretty good about what I eat, but lately, it’s just hard to keep the motivation to do something good for myself.  The days drag by, and I’m constantly reminded of things I don’t have.  I try to focus on the positive, and think about the things I do have, but it’s hard.  During the day I have grand plans to decorate the house for the holidays, make more cards, workout, etc. and then I end up going home and curling up on the couch zoning out to On Demand shows that aren’t even that good and going to bed early, only to suffer from insomnia until my husband comes back to bed, which inevitably wakes me up again, after I’ve finally fallen asleep.

The worst part of last night was that my husband was mad at me that I had fallen asleep-not so much that I had fallen asleep, but mad that he made dinner and did the dishes.  I understand his frustration that he was doing more work than me, but there is obviously a reason why I’m falling asleep at 5:00.  Either I’m not sleeping enough or I don’t feel well, and last night it was a combination of both.  It just seems like he has no concept of what I’m going through-and when I think about it, he probably doesn’t.  He’s been so focused on trying to understand his own emotions and issues that he can’t see what I’m going through.  We got into an argument about it this morning on the way to work.  We’ve been trying to carpool on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have yoga and Pilates.  It seems to be working pretty well, until we are both crabby like this morning.  I don’t know if this bothers anyone else, but after I’ve already admitted that I’m crabby; do not point it out to me.  In fact, never point it out to me.  I do not need to be reminded that I’m crabby, I already know, and you continuously pointing it out to me, does not help.  Oh, and while we're on the subject of not telling people things they already know...please don't tell me that I look like crap, it doesn't help with the crabbiness.

Let’s just say I am ready for my acupuncture treatment, yoga, Pilates and sleep today.  I think I may need to take a day off.  Hopefully, the day will go by more quickly-doubtful since it’s the end of the year and the project/work load has significantly slowed.

6.1 Million People November 22, 2011

Does anyone else find it interesting that the numbers for Bullying are the same as the numbers for people dealing with Infertility?  By interesting, I mean so incredibly sad.  Both destroy you in many ways.  It’s hard to listen to the news without hearing about another horrible act of violence perpetrated by a bully or for those getting bullied to take matters into their own hands.  Those individuals that choose to end their lives because of all their suffering are even more tragic because many of their parents probably had trouble conceiving them.  I’ll come right out and say that I’m a Pro Choice kind of girl, but dealing with infertility does make you value human life even more than you did before. 

We had an interesting conversation and initial meeting with our Reproductive Endocrinologist last week.  She said it’s really hard on couples to keep trying the same thing over and over again each month hoping for a different outcome.  I sarcastically asked: “Isn’t that the definition of insanity?”  Not sure she really liked that...

It’s very hard to have humor be a part of your life during all these struggles.  The hormones are making me act so different than normal…or maybe they are just exaggerating things in me that were always there.  I have hot flashes randomly and then I’ll be freezing not too long after.  My headaches are back and more frequent.  I’m a lot more emotional that I typically am…granted I’m a Cancer, so being emotional is kinda something I’m good at.  However, I have never been one to cry at commercials or show a lot of emotion during movies.  Sure, when I’m alone watching The Notebook, I might cry, but typically not in front of my husband.  Before it was just because I never really saw the point…you always feel gross afterwards.  Now I try not to cry so my husband doesn’t have to feel bad.

After our appointment with the RE, my husband decided to inform me that he no longer wanted to do any “Dr. stuff.”  He felt that the appointment was a waste of time and that each new appointment just sets us up for more failure.  We decided on a new course of action.  I’ll get some blood work and an ultrasound done on the third day of my cycle.  This will test my hormone levels and see how many viable follicles I have.  I’ll have to take Clomid again, and then they will do another ultrasound around day 11 of my cycle.  If my follicles are big enough then I’ll have to give myself a shot that will drop the eggs and start my ovulation process.  If the follicles aren’t big enough yet, I’ll have to keep coming back until they are big enough.  The thing I’m really looking forward to with all of this, besides having a plan, because if you know me, you know that I love planning…I’m excited about not having to buy and deal with any ovulation predictor kits.  That is such a sense of freedom; I can’t even begin to explain.  When you are peeing on a stick every morning at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning around the middle of your cycle, the idea of not even having to look at another one of those sticks is so nice.

Can I also just say that I’m so tired of filling out new patient forms at doctor’s offices?  Not only do they ask totally personal questions about me and my husband, such as “are you able to ejaculate in your partner’s vagina” to what is the medical history of your fourth cousin once removed and did they have trouble conceiving…ok I’m exaggerating about that last question, but really.  Not only do they ask these crazy personal questions, but then they only give you about half a centimeter to answer the question.  I was also greatly disturbed that they asked a little bit about my habits, i.e. do I smoke and drink like a sailor, but they never asked about my emotional well being or what I ate.  They asked about activities that I did as hobbies, but again not specifically about things I was doing to potentially help fertility.  I really wanted to write, haven’t been drinking for months, but all I can think about after I get my period is a nice glass of wine.  My husband thinks I’m crazy and that I should drink if and when I want to, until we know for sure that I’m not preggers, but I just can’t do it yet.

I’m concerned that my husband isn’t totally on board with the next phase of testing and our next plan of attack for the whole baby making thing.  We got an estimate of what our costs would be to do an IVF session, and it is not cheap.  Not to mention we have school loans, tuition, a new car, plus all of our normal monthly expenses.  I’m going to have to do a lot more consulting if I want to pay for a round of this, and I’ll probably have to start taking out loans for school, instead of paying for it out of pocket, like I had wanted to.  It’s so sad that a lot of the time a couple’s happiness and the success of starting a family are contingent upon finances.  Neither of our parents would be able to help us out financially with this…I guess you could call it a burden.  It’s sad to think of a potential life being a burden or at least a strain.

I texted my husband today to say that if we felt like it after our crazy day at work, after I get done with Yoga and Pilates, after we finish with our run to Target, and then after we try and fit dinner in there somewhere that we should play some Kinect.  His response was, “what about your business, do you think you should be jumping?”  Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this statement.  First, since when is this whole baby thing my business only.  Secondly, since when did trying to make a baby become a business and finally, you’d think after 21 months of trying (I had to figure that out for my appointment with the RE last week) that jumping would be the least of our concerns?

My family is coming to town tomorrow, and I already got asked by my sister why I’m not drinking.  This only came up because I offered to drive the fam to and from trivia tomorrow night.  For quite a while now, my husband, his brother and his brother’s wife and I have been going to trivia on Wednesday nights.  I haven’t been going as much because you typically don’t get home until almost midnight, and it just wasn’t allowing me to get enough beauty sleep.  Seeing as how none of us have to work on Thursday we are all planning on going to trivia tomorrow night and since my family will be here we thought they’d like to come along too since my dad is a little obsessed with trivia.  Anyway, my family has seen me not drink around them many times before, since for some reason I’m usually in my holding pattern when we see them.  So she wasn’t too surprised when I told her I just don’t drink anymore.  There are a lot of other reasons for me not drink, not only because it really isn’t that great for you, but also because not drinking has helped me keep off a few of the pounds I lost this past year.  I was also starting to notice that I would tend to drink a little more than I should after I got my period each month, so I just thought that it was in my best interest to avoid it all together.  It also does say that drinking while taking Clomid might not be such a great idea, and since I’m already having some of the 1% chance symptoms, I kinda figured I didn’t need to test it and see if alcohol would give me any further side effects.  Overall, I’m excited to see my family (not so excited about the $200 grocery bill we had last night) but excited none the less.  I hope that we don’t get on the baby topic, because I just don’t even know how to start to tell them about everything.  I know I’ll start crying, which will make them cry and feel bad.  Honestly, there really isn’t anything they can do, and they don’t know what to say or how to say it.  The joys of being the only infertile in the family-gotta love it!

11.11.11

Here’s hoping that all the wishes that went out in the universe today come true-at least all the worthy ones.  The wishes that people make about stupid things like wishing their boobs were bigger (I’m sure in the course of my lifetime I’ve wished for that more than once) just seem so banal to our wish.  About nine or ten months ago, I was idly day-dreaming about how cool it would be to have a baby on 11.11.11.  Well, clearly, day-dreaming about the day I give birth was my first mistake.  Honestly, there are times where I think that putting good energy out into the world and hoping for something so much that it might make some small difference.  Other days, when I’m not feeling very optimistic I often think that I’m jinxing myself by putting my intentions out into the world.  My yoga and Pilates instructor would tell me that setting an intention and focusing on it is the way to enlightenment or at least in the case of mere mortals like me, a way to maintain my hope and have a purpose.  There are a lot of intentions that we all set for ourselves and our lives, but I have a healthy dose of realism in me, so I struggle with this concept and what the best way to approach our situation is.

Today I took a step in trying to reach out to my family.  I may have mentioned before that they haven’t exactly been supportive or helpful.  I don’t blame them for this.  As they have no basis from where to draw support on this topic, but at the same time I always hope that they would offer generalized support, like asking how our lives are going.  I would think that this type of interest might offset the lack of support about the lack of baby making.  I actually decided to send out an e-mail to my family asking them to make a wish at 11:11 on 11.11.11 for us.  I even specifically asked that they make a wish for us about our baby making chances.  I know it’s cheesy, but I figured we needed as much help as we could get. 

My mom responded quickly that she definitely would and that she loved me, which was nice, but still not exactly the support I was looking for.  My dad responded by saying that he just happened to look at his e-mail at 10:59 and 45 seconds and saw my e-mail.  He thought that was a sign.  He then told me to take a few days off from thinking about everything.  Riiiighht, cause it’s just so easy to turn off thoughts about the one thing you dreamed of as a kid.  I never dreamed of my wedding like other girls did, but I always dreamed of being a mom.  My sister never responded, and still hasn’t about six hours later.  Most of the time, I don’t know what I expect my family to say, mostly because I will probably feel like nothing they say is what I need them to say.  I’ve been especially sensitive lately to comments, not necessarily related to the baby trying, but just in general.  People are just starting to rub me the wrong way lately.  I’d like to believe that it’s the hormones playing with me again.  I think I can officially say that the Clomid has made me even more emotional, if that was even possible.  As a Cancer, my emotions tend to be all over the place.  My husband thinks its fun to point out when I’m PMSing.  For the last few years, it’s only been lasting a day, but it’s a hell of a day for anyone around me.  I really should just lock myself up on those days, not only because of the irrational reactions and comments to things, but also because that day is when I realize that I’m not pregnant and that my period is coming within a week.

Since last night was a beautiful full moon, I found myself hoping that it was a good sign, that there were many good things to come.  I was also thinking how the cycles of the moon were just like my monthly cycles.  The new moon holds new possibility, with the potential for greatness on the horizon, just like each new cycle holds the possibility that this could finally be the month I get pregnant.  The waxing and waning moon cycles (impressed that I remembered that from 8^th grade science) are just the agonizing days between the big phases of the cycle.  The full moon reminds me of being filling to the brim, both with hope and possibility, but also with blood.  I know that sounds gross, but I have to be thankful that my cycle is pretty regular and that my body (at least to my knowledge) is still performing its monthly cycle duties the way it should be.  Ok, enough with the moons, I’m starting to sound like I’m trying to name the next Twilight Saga book.

Last night’s full moon just happened to coincide with my ovulation this month.  Since the best time to do the IUI is within the first 48 hour window after the pretty pink lines appear on the ovulation tester stick, we have scheduled our injections for the weekend.  We have to deliver E’s “sample” to the Andrology clinic at 8:30.  Then, we come back at 11:00 for the injection.  I was idiotically hoping that I would get to have an 11:00 appointment today.  Any extra little piece of luck that could come our way would be great.  Last month, we only did one injection of E’s stuff during my ovulation window, but we just decided to ask if we could do two this cycle and they said yes!  We are very excited about this additional possibility.  Hopefully, this will be the day our luck changes!

Love & Other Drugs: Part 2 Lovin' The Drugs November 8, 2011

Last Thursday at my annual dermatology appointment the doctor found a mole that needed to be removed.  Nothing like a serious health scare to put things into perspective, yet again.  I’m honestly getting a little tired of all this perspective I have.  Anyway, the experience was less than what I expected.  I had never been to this dermatologist’s office before, but was referred there by my primary doctor.  I had to wait about twenty minutes to be seen, which isn’t really that much, but I was hoping to only be gone from work about an hour. 

So, I now have a hole on my stomach.  As if I needed to think about my stomach any more than I already am, focusing on that area was the last thing I needed to think about during the second round of Clomid.  The second round was defiantly better than the first.  I started taking the meds on Halloween…if that isn’t a sign, then I don’t know what is.  Not sure exactly what kind of sign, but either way it’s a sign.  I was at the end of a consulting gig and wanted nothing more than to be sitting on my couch at home in the cool basement.  I started having some crazy hot flashes about an hour after taking my first dose.  I seriously felt like I was about to internally combust.  I was so hot one of the girls I was consulting with asked if I was ok.  She said I looked really red and that she could feel heat coming from me.  Nice.  Not only was I trying to deal with this whole hormone taking drama with dignity, I had to deal with more side effects.  I was hoping after the first round with the Clomid that my body would be more used to it and I wouldn’t have such as strong reaction.  Wicked hot flashes aside, I got pretty lucky with this round of Clomid.  No numbness or other excessively rare side effects.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Giuliana Rancic.  I actually happened to be home the morning that she announced her diagnosis.  Giuliana had been dealing with infertility issues and wouldn’t have found out that she had Breast Cancer if it weren’t for all of her troubles.  The part that really bothered me was that she’s only 36.  That’s not all that much older than me.  I can’t help but think that maybe the results of the mole will come back positive and be one of or the reason that we can’t get pregnant.  My co-worker was also recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Thankfully, it was at its earliest stages, but I just hate how prevalent Breast Cancer has become.  It reminds me of my grandma, which reminds me she’s gone, which makes me sad.

Back to my mole…I just got a call from the Dr’s office and they said that everything is fine.  I just need to keep an eye on it and return in a year for a check-up.  I am very thankful for that.  I’m not sure if I could have handled another challenge right now. 

October 11, 2011

It’s our three year wedding anniversary, yippie!  After I did my second acupuncture treatments and two and a half hours of yoga and Pilates, my sweet husband came and picked me up and we went out to a nice dinner.  It was good to be at our favorite restaurant and close out the rest of the world.  We talked a lot about what each of us were feeling.  I think that’s a key to us staying sane and still loving each other during this process.  If we didn’t talk about everything, how we are feeling or dealing and most of the time not dealing with this whole bumpy road to parenthood often, I’m not sure where we’d be.  We know of a couple who claims they have never gotten into a fight.  I say claim, because are there really people that oblivious to reality?  I want to say to them, you seriously have never had a difference of opinion on anything?  What do you talk about?  My husband and I spend hours debating different issues…granted not everyone is married to an attorney, but what’s the fun in a relationship when you don’t push each other a little.  This specific couple has gotten everything handed to them on a nice, pretty, silver platter.  Their parents paid for college for them, they got their house basically given to them and got conveniently pregnant after only five months of marriage.  I am very happy for them, but seriously?  Give a girl a break.  Oh, and did I mention that another couple we know is already pregnant with their second child in the time we’ve been working on just making one baby.  She was nice about the whole thing, unlike her husband who said “It seems like all I have to do is shake my di*k at her and she’s pregnant.”  Really sensitive-not sure if there is anything more to say about that, but today has been a good reminder of why my husband and I love each other and are thankful that we still enjoy debating with each other.  I acknowledge that everyone has a different path and although I’m tempted to question my path occasionally I’d like to believe that there is some plan or end goal to look forward to.  The hard part is when the only path you’ve ever really wanted was to be a mother.

Love and Other Drugs: Part 1 October 5, 2011

Um…excuse me…why is your forehead bleeding? October 4, 2011

That’s an excellent question…not it’s not from some sick ritual or evil pimple, just your garden variety acupuncture treatment.  Today was my first treatment and I’m already in love.  I have the best acupuncturist.  She’s so sweet and understanding, but also gets right down to business, which is totally my style.  Today we did some general meridian work in addition to trying to help my infertility issues.  She also helped me get rid of some lingering side effects from a wicked migraine the day before-hence my bleeding forehead.  My acupuncturist and I have a plan for a few different types of treatments not only for infertility, but also for my joint disorder.  I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS).  EDS is a genetic, connective tissue disorder that oftentimes can skip a generation.  Guess who it landed on?  Yea me!  There are various forms of EDS, I happen to have the hyper mobility kind, which means that I’m extra bendy.  This can be good and even fun in the right situation, but also quite painful most of the time.  Because my muscles have to work extra hard to keep my ligaments and joints in place, I am always battling with severe muscle tension.  Since I’ve been trying to get pregnant I haven’t been able to take any muscle relaxants for about three years now.  The yoga and Pilates both help and bother me at the same time.  It’s nice to get some good stretching in and core work is never a bad thing, but there are certain moves or positions that require extra effort and strength because I can go too far into the poses.

Remembering 9.11

In remembering all the horrific tragedies and the heroism ten years after 9-11, I can’t help but go back to my freshman year in college.  I had just finished my intro to psychology class and was heading over to my intro to anthropology class in a different building.  I had come out of my first class to see a bunch of people, both students and faculty crowding around a television.  At first, I didn’t understand what I was seeing.  Then as I was watching the second plane hit the second tower.  People started crying and hugging each other.  I was totally numb, I couldn’t completely hear or understand everything that was going on, but I knew that people were deeply affected by what was going on and probably would be for a long time.

As I made my way to my next class a professor literally came running down the path towards me with his hands in the air yelling “they just hit the second tower.”  I wasn’t quite sure what to make of his reaction.  I’m not known for my loud outbursts or overwhelming displays of emotion.  It’s probably the German in me or my realistic, practical mind warning me to not look ridiculous in public.  We sat and talked quietly as we waited for the anthropology professor to show up.  She came only a few minutes late with red rimmed eyes.  I don’t think any of us in the class, most of whom were eighteen or nineteen really understood or grasped the magnitude of what had just happened.  At this time most of us didn’t know that it was a terrorist attack or that other planes had been taken over.

           

My anthropology professor, Susan, is a great lady, but she’s also an expert on forensic anthropology.  Think “Bones.”  Anyway, she said that she had already gotten a call from the government asking her to come to New York to help identify remains.  That’s when it really hit home for me.  That it could have happened to anyone, anywhere.  Thinking about all the tragedy from yesterday really makes me crave and yet be scared about starting a family.  I can’t imagine loving anything more than a child, but I also can’t imagine how all of those families felt losing their children.  I haven’t and won’t let the loss of life deter me, but it does make you pause and think about the fragility of life.

The Sleeping Game September 7-11

Most nights it feels like I’m playing Russian roulette with my sleep.  I am slowly starting to worry that there is something more physically wrong with me that they just can’t find.  I’ve always had trouble sleeping.  Either falling asleep or staying asleep.  My mom always says it’s because my mind never stops running.  My acupuncturist thinks it’s because of a Yang deficiency.  I used to be able to sleep so soundly that hardly anything would wake me up, to now having any whisper of wind or creek in the floorboards and I’m wide awake waiting to hear for any other noises.  Of course, I can never fall asleep after this.  Then there will be days where I sleep for a little while only to wake up again about an hour or so later…starting the cycle all over again.  I know it’s mainly just my head going crazy and focusing on so much at once.  In some ways I like having a brain like this that processes things very quickly and that is able to multitask as I can get a lot done in a short period of time.  It’s not so good for when you’re trying to sleep.  E always says I need to relax, but even when I’m at my most relaxed I still feel like there are things I could or should be doing.  I’m constantly trying to figure things out, whether it’s the key to life or just planning what I need to do later.  I often come to conclusions or solve issues I’m dealing with while I’m sleeping.  I definitely try to analyze my dreams and see if there is something bigger I’m trying to deal with or need to work on.  I guess it’s my psych major coming into play.

           

Basically, I’ve been having insomnia again…not as bad as it has been in the past, but its still there.  Lately I’ll have short, really intense dream sequences.  I’ve always been one that can dream in color, lights, and smells.  I can even dream that I’m having a dream or dream that I’m in a dream, lovely Inception type stuff.  Recently I’ve been dreaming about my grandmothers.  First, it was my paternal grandmother who died about 7 ½ years ago (a month before I met my husband) in a horrific traffic accident.  She appeared to me with her arm outstretched inviting me to come along with her.  At first I couldn’t see her face, but I knew instinctively who it was.  She was like a half decayed body (gross huh), but as the dream went on and the further I followed her she came to look more like herself and how I remembered her.  I couldn’t quite figure out what she was trying to show me or take me to, but when I woke up I felt a little confusion, but peaceful. 

I’m not really sure what she was trying to show me, but for some reason I think she was trying to tell me that I just need to keep on the path I’m going and enjoy the process.  Almost a stop and smell the roses, but also a hopeful, keep it up kid kind of thing.  For some reason I interpreted it as being related to our fertility issues (I tend to think that everything is related to that lately) and since I was just about to start my first core doctorate class I think it was her way or my mind’s way of telling me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be in life.  That everything has a reason, a time and a place for when and where it’s supposed to happen. 

I also just recently had a dream about my maternal grandmother who passed away almost a year ago.  I still can’t believe it’s been that long since she’s been gone.  It also means that I’ve been at my current job for about a year.  It also marks the official year or year and a half of trying to get pregnant.  E and I disagree on dates.  I think it’s been longer since I haven’t been using birth control since Feb. of 2010, but he thinks it should be Aug. 2010 that we started since that’s when we started paying attention to my ovulation and having sex on those days.  I had previously been monitoring my temperature for a few months, but wasn’t finding the results helpful.  In May 2010, even though I was defending my Master’s thesis and E was finishing up law school we decided it had been three months since I had stopped taking birth control, and that we should start paying more attention to our timing.  We had previously agreed that we weren’t going to officially start trying until Aug. after he finished studying and taking the bar…so in some ways I guess E is right about the dates, but in my mind it’s been longer since I have been off birth control for so long.  We’ll continue to disagree about the dates, but either way it’s been taking a while.

One of the hardest things for me with this whole thing is that there are all these things that I as the woman, potential mother, must do to get my body ready for a baby.  All E has to do is ejaculate.  I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be pressured into needing to only do one thing, but at the same time I’m doing a whole bunch of things all at once.  I thought marriage and making a baby was about partnership, but sometimes E just doesn’t understand all the sacrifices I have to go through or all the torture I put myself through as the potential vessel.

I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had to change my diet too drastically.  I’ve been taking either a multi-vitamin or pre-natal vitamins since I first got off of birth control, I eat pretty healthily, I hardly drink and I haven’t had caffeine in fifteen years besides what is naturally in decaf tea or chocolate.  I have done a lot of research and book reading, blog reading, inspirational quote finding, anything that help me stabilize my emotions and reactions to everything around me.  E has been doing a lot of research as well, but he somehow has the worst timing of when to send it to me, or when he wants to talk to me about it.  I am very thankful that he even wants to be involved in the process and I know that it helps him to be analytical about it.  Sometimes it’s hard to have a lawyer for a husband.  Sometimes I just want to complain about something or express my emotions and he has trouble with that.  I guess it may not be a lawyer thing as much as it’s a guy thing.

We have different philosophies on how and when to talk about our fertility issues.  He feels the need to talk about it everyday whether it’s a long drawn out conversation or only a few short sentences.  He’ll try to ask me if I’m ovulating…but as we’ve learned the pressure to perform on specific days got to be too overwhelming for us, specifically him.  I still check my ovulation from day five of my cycle, until I ovulate.  Not one of my most favorite things in the world, especially at 5:30 in the morning, when all you want to do is go to the bathroom quickly and not have to worry about fumbling with a pee cup and predictor stick.  I wish those things were easier to deal with…at least I’m always awake right away after doing my test, as nothing wakes you up in the pre-dawn morning like trying to get pee into a cup and then carefully moving it over to the counter without spilling.  I tend to be more of the “I’ll talk about it when I want to talk about it,” kind of person.  So we’ve been learning to communicate in different ways to each other.  They always say communication is the key and I know that it’s helpful for us to talk about it, but it can be hard.  So most of the time I will indulge him, but after a while I have to pull back and ask him to stop talking about it, which inevitably leads to a discussion.  So we’re still figuring out our limitations. 

It almost seems like the more you talk about it the more you see it and the more obsessed about it you are.  Everyone always says to just quit trying…well we “attempted” to do that and then I had an extra long cycle that lasted an additional seven days past my twenty-eighth cycle day and we started to get excited.  This has happened three times to us in the last 18 months.  In July, we even indulged our fantasies and went as far as talking about how we were going to tell people when we found out.  I knew at the time that we were tempting fate or karma, or whatever, but it did feel good to think about something positive.  How do you determine how much is too much talking about it before you tempt the fate and karma gods or make yourself insane?

Old Journal Entries from Feb-May 2011

Timing February to May 2011

Infertility, it’s such an ugly word, an even harder word to swallow, timing.  I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard or repeated the mantra in our heads “it’s just timing, it will work next time.”  There is nothing more annoying and frustrating than having all our baby making issues be related to bad timing.  My husband and I have both gone through the testing phases of our supposed “infertility,” but it was determined that neither of us have a problem.  Using infertility as the label for the inability to have all the right phases of the moon in alignment with our eyes and toes crossed hoping that for once we’ll finally do it during the correct window of time is a no win situation.  I know the doctors have to label it that way before they really know what the issues are, but now we will forever have that label.

Everyone seems to think that “trying” to have a baby is a fun process…well it is for the most part, but there are a lot of other factors that are just plain annoying.  For example, stumbling into the bathroom at 5:30 in the morning to find that your motor skills are still not awake yet and spilling urine on the bathroom rug.  Peeing in a little plastic cup to test to see if you are ovulating is not something I would wish on anyone.  It’s not like it’s a hard thing, but having to wait each day for the little pink lines to tell us if we should plan our sex life, is less than exciting.  The lack of spontaneity has really gotten to my husband.  We’ve decided we have to find some other fun ways to keep it interesting in the bedroom…or wherever.

Dancing in the Kitchen

No, this is not the title of a new country song; it’s just one of the things my husband and I have been doing lately to change it up a bit.  Last winter, we started spending some of our Saturday nights in the kitchen coming up with new and fun concoctions.  This was a good test of our patience and our ability to work on projects together, which hasn’t always been something that we’ve been good at.  Let’s just say that I’m more of a baker that likes to do things with precision and usually in a specific order.  My husband on the other hand likes to just go with the flow when cooking, this really isn’t always a bad thing, and because of this we’ve made some really great dishes, but you have to actually know the basics of cooking before you can get all fancy-which my husband is just starting to learn.  My husband claims that he doesn’t like watching Top Chef with me, but he secretly takes mental notes on what he can try during our next cooking session.  He often throws around the new foodie terms he has learned, which inevitably just makes me laugh, since he almost always uses them incorrectly. 

The cooking parties have slowly progressed into dance parties.  This usually involves loud music pumping through the house and my husband and I struggling to have counter space to cook and floor space to dance.  Needless to say we’ve gotten pretty creative with what we make and we’ve gotten better at being in the kitchen together and at dancing.  Occasionally, we’ll have a spontaneous moment while cooking and dancing.  Sorry, that sounds like a Cialis commercial or something.  We have definitely learned that we are not as young and nimble as we used to be.  All the fun ideas we have don’t always go as planned, but at least we’re still able to laugh at ourselves.

The Waiting Game

I know it’s talked about often, but you never really know just how intense and stressful the waiting game or what I call my holding pattern really is.  For that two week holding period you try to eat the best you can, get extra sleep and try not to even bend over more often than necessary as if bending over would some how impact the implantation stage of the process.  My toes have gotten very adept at picking things up.  Who knows, there are so many crazy and superstitious things that you are willing to do in hopes of somehow having everything align perfectly throughout the world to produce a miracle.  You read a random article here and there, and cling to whatever nugget you can to get by…in the end it’s all just a bunch of crap.  I know there are supposed to be things you can do to help your ability to get pregnant, but then you see people who abuse their bodies getting pregnant all the time.  I mean there are even shows about how women didn’t know they were pregnant.  Seriously, you think to yourself, if they can get pregnant why can’t I?  There are always a lot of questions that are raised and then never answered.

I thought at first that my type A personality was the reason we weren’t getting pregnant.  I know it’s silly, but you try to cling to anything you can.  Everyone keeps telling me to “relax”.  Oh, really, well if that’s all it takes…  Telling someone with a type A personality to relax is just plain rude.  I don’t know how to relax even when I want to.  Despite my natural aversion to relaxation I’ve been working hard at it.  I do both Pilates and yoga twice a week, which seems to be helping.  It seems that I do like to relax; I just don’t take the time to do it.  To try and distract myself from our situation and the inability to change anything about it, I’ve even started playing zombie killing video games…I know this doesn’t sound very relaxing, especially when you are getting vomited on by a boomer and a horde of creepy zombies are trying to eat you, but it makes my husband happy and I get to sit on a comfy couch in the dark and try not to think about everything that’s going on in my body or not going on.  Killing as many zombies as possible and getting to safety are my top priorities certain nights, and I’m getting to be ok with that.

I think one of the hardest parts about all of this is seeing the disappointment on E’s face when I announce that I got my period.  Neither of us wants to disappoint the other and sometimes we feel like we are failing as a couple, but as always we get right back on the baby making wagon and try again.  Sometimes I think about the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different outcome.  At least we’ve been trying different methods out, I think I literally would go insane if there was nothing I could do, but most of the time I feel helpless, like there isn’t anything I can do.  I hate the having the inability to fix a situation.  I’m trying to up the amount of yoga and Pilates I’m doing, continue to eat better, watch how much alcohol I drink and try to enjoy my husband and our marriage.

The Crap People Say: Part 1

So I know everyone has good intentions, but you hear some of the lamest “words of comfort” from people who know about your situation.  To make matters worse I was an accident and my sister had a little oops about three years ago.  Granted my parents claim that although it was hard to be recently married with a young child, while they were still pretty young themselves they don’t “regret” having me.  My sister has had it a little rougher, having to do things mainly on her own, but I still get very frustrated and somewhat bitter when she constantly complains to me about not having a life.  Or when she is frustrated with something my niece did or my parents say.  She has no concept of wanting something so bad, not being able to get it, and then watching everyone around you get pregnant so easily.

A few months ago my sister said something to me that was probably the most insensitive thing she has ever said to me or anyone has said to me for that matter.  She had called me to complain yet again about another boy and the boy drama she was having.  This type of phone call is a very typical occurrence.  I thank my lucky stars all the time that E and I found each other.  Anyway, she started talking about how she couldn’t believe she was twenty-four and that she hadn’t had another kid already.  Even though she got pregnant at twenty, she thought she would be in a happy family with another kid already here or on the way by age twenty-four.  Hell, I’m just happy I got engaged on my twenty-fourth birthday.

She kept going on and on, as she does, about how she didn’t want be thirty before she had another kid.  This hit home for me as my twenty-eighth birthday was less than a month away.  I debated hanging up on her and not talking to her for a while, but I took a deep breath and my maturity reared its ugly head.  I calmly told her that it really hurt my feelings that she would say something like that when we had been trying to have a kid for a while and that I was only about two years away from being thirty…and that there was/is a large possibility that I would be thirty before I have my first child…or not at all.  The worst part about the whole conversation was that she didn’t even apologize.  She just said “yeah, well,” and continued to babble on about her meaningless problems.  I waited a few minutes a) trying not to scream at her and hang up and b) trying not to cry.  I eventually interrupted her tirade and said that I had to go. 

We didn’t talk for a while after that, mainly because I didn’t want to.  I still don’t know if she knew how upset she made me, but I felt like I had told her.  I think the hardest part about it all, wasn’t necessarily the comment she made, but the fact that she couldn’t understand why I was upset.  Then she didn’t even try to call me later to apologize or try to understand why I was so hurt.  There are just people in your life that can be toxic at times and suck all of your energy from you.  My sister and my parents both have that affect on me from time to time.  I’ve never been one to let someone take advantage of me, but I have always felt like the glue keeping our family together.  They may not think that, but I remember the tremendous internal struggle I had when I was trying to make the decision to move to Minnesota for school.  I was very worried that they would crumble without me there to interfere.  That sort of happened.  My sister moved out and starting living with my niece’s dad.  She was still in high school and he was 21.  Why my parents ever allowed that to happen, I’ll never understand.  My family often only calls me when they need to vent or talk about something in their lives.  I’m more than willing to listen, although, the last couple of years it’s been harder for me to bite my tongue and not say “would you like to know what I’ve been up to?”  E thinks I let them in too much, but it’s just my nurturing nature that makes me care.  I always ask him how you’re not supposed to let in your family.  We had very different families growing up and oftentimes E doesn’t understand how close my family is.  He finds it amazing that my extended family often sends him birthday cards and genuinely cares about him and what he’s doing.  I wish he had been able to experience a lot of the things that I got to with my extended family growing up.  I really look back at that time in my life and miss being around them so much.  They definitely helped make me who I am today, but also reminds me of how much I want a family.

The Holding Pattern

"The Holding Pattern" is just my way of bringing a somewhat humorous description to the agonizing two weeks between when you ovulate and when you hope, wish and pray to whatever Deity might be listening that you wont get your monthly friend.  I say somewhat humorous because I'm not going to try and pretend that I'm funny.  If you were to ask my dad, he would say funny runs in the family.  It is a little comical to me that you can spend your whole young adult life trying to avoid getting pregnant only to have trouble once you're ready for it.  Isn't in ironic...don't you think?  Sorry, might as well bring in a little Alanis when I can.

I started writing a journal a few months ago about all the drama, anxiety and stress that comes with trying to get pregnant.  My plan is to post some previous journal entries so that the journey will be documented in chronological order.  I use the word journey; but that it just another way my mind tries to pretend that this whole infertility thing is a positive thing and something that I want to grow from.  F-that.  Sorry, my goal was to not swear, but occasionally a swear word is all that's called for.  So, I'll amend my goal and say that I hope to not swear to often.  Although, this has been a growing experience for us, it was not the type of growing we were looking to have.

I've read a lot of the infertility blogs and although many of them are great.  Many of the blogs don't focus on the strain that infertility puts on a relationship.  I get mixed emotions when read other infertility blogs, while reading more current posts you find that they have indeed conceived and are now sharing their lovely mini-me’s.  It's frustrating because there are times when you just want to read a blog about someone going through something similar to you or maybe even having a worse time of it.  I realize that might make me sound like a jerk, but until you've dealt with infertility you have no idea about the varying range of emotions, feelings and attitudes you go through.  I'd like to blame the hormone medication, but it is what it is.  Sometimes as humans, it's easier to compare ourselves to someone less fortunate for whatever the reason.  Good and positive things can come from this comparison, like volunteerism and charity.  The other emotional reactions I get are of course happiness and hope.  It's good to be reminded that all these other women who were dealing with such an unfortunate and stressful situation have had a happy ending.  Even if it’s sans reality, believing in fairy tales and happy endings has its uses.

A little background...my husband and I have been together since 2004, got married in 2008 and have been trying to help each other make it through each day ever since.  We've always had a solid relationship.  As you watch relationships and marriages crumble around you, it's nice to take a deep breath every once in a while and be thankful that we're still together.  Overall, we are very thankful for all that we have.  I can't complain, but I will, because let's face it, isn't that sorta what blogs are for?  My husband and I both stay very busy.  When not working at our full-time jobs, or in my husband's case working as a first year attorney, which means more than full-time, we try to spend as much time together as we can.  I am currently working on the fourth class of my Doctorate in Education program.  With two electives down and one core class finished, I'm actually looking forward to the holidays to have a break.  In addition to working at my job and working to get my Doctorate, I also do yoga and Pilates twice a week, volunteer and do some consulting on the side.  When-if I ever get some time at home I like to catch up on the T.V. shows I've missed.  I also like to read, cook and do crafty things.  My husband has recently almost converted me to a video game player.  We’ve had Rockband for a while now and are getting pretty good at it.  We also recently got the Kinect and have been having fun with that.

My goal for this blog is nothing heroic, just a place where I can collect my thoughts and maybe help someone else out on this lovely journey.  I in no way claim to be an infertility expert, nor do I ever wish to be.  I just hope that this blog helps to alleviate some of the stress of this heart wrenching process.  Hopefully, someone can find a connection to what I’m going through or can offer new insight.