11.11.11

Here’s hoping that all the wishes that went out in the universe today come true-at least all the worthy ones.  The wishes that people make about stupid things like wishing their boobs were bigger (I’m sure in the course of my lifetime I’ve wished for that more than once) just seem so banal to our wish.  About nine or ten months ago, I was idly day-dreaming about how cool it would be to have a baby on 11.11.11.  Well, clearly, day-dreaming about the day I give birth was my first mistake.  Honestly, there are times where I think that putting good energy out into the world and hoping for something so much that it might make some small difference.  Other days, when I’m not feeling very optimistic I often think that I’m jinxing myself by putting my intentions out into the world.  My yoga and Pilates instructor would tell me that setting an intention and focusing on it is the way to enlightenment or at least in the case of mere mortals like me, a way to maintain my hope and have a purpose.  There are a lot of intentions that we all set for ourselves and our lives, but I have a healthy dose of realism in me, so I struggle with this concept and what the best way to approach our situation is.

Today I took a step in trying to reach out to my family.  I may have mentioned before that they haven’t exactly been supportive or helpful.  I don’t blame them for this.  As they have no basis from where to draw support on this topic, but at the same time I always hope that they would offer generalized support, like asking how our lives are going.  I would think that this type of interest might offset the lack of support about the lack of baby making.  I actually decided to send out an e-mail to my family asking them to make a wish at 11:11 on 11.11.11 for us.  I even specifically asked that they make a wish for us about our baby making chances.  I know it’s cheesy, but I figured we needed as much help as we could get. 

My mom responded quickly that she definitely would and that she loved me, which was nice, but still not exactly the support I was looking for.  My dad responded by saying that he just happened to look at his e-mail at 10:59 and 45 seconds and saw my e-mail.  He thought that was a sign.  He then told me to take a few days off from thinking about everything.  Riiiighht, cause it’s just so easy to turn off thoughts about the one thing you dreamed of as a kid.  I never dreamed of my wedding like other girls did, but I always dreamed of being a mom.  My sister never responded, and still hasn’t about six hours later.  Most of the time, I don’t know what I expect my family to say, mostly because I will probably feel like nothing they say is what I need them to say.  I’ve been especially sensitive lately to comments, not necessarily related to the baby trying, but just in general.  People are just starting to rub me the wrong way lately.  I’d like to believe that it’s the hormones playing with me again.  I think I can officially say that the Clomid has made me even more emotional, if that was even possible.  As a Cancer, my emotions tend to be all over the place.  My husband thinks its fun to point out when I’m PMSing.  For the last few years, it’s only been lasting a day, but it’s a hell of a day for anyone around me.  I really should just lock myself up on those days, not only because of the irrational reactions and comments to things, but also because that day is when I realize that I’m not pregnant and that my period is coming within a week.

Since last night was a beautiful full moon, I found myself hoping that it was a good sign, that there were many good things to come.  I was also thinking how the cycles of the moon were just like my monthly cycles.  The new moon holds new possibility, with the potential for greatness on the horizon, just like each new cycle holds the possibility that this could finally be the month I get pregnant.  The waxing and waning moon cycles (impressed that I remembered that from 8^th grade science) are just the agonizing days between the big phases of the cycle.  The full moon reminds me of being filling to the brim, both with hope and possibility, but also with blood.  I know that sounds gross, but I have to be thankful that my cycle is pretty regular and that my body (at least to my knowledge) is still performing its monthly cycle duties the way it should be.  Ok, enough with the moons, I’m starting to sound like I’m trying to name the next Twilight Saga book.

Last night’s full moon just happened to coincide with my ovulation this month.  Since the best time to do the IUI is within the first 48 hour window after the pretty pink lines appear on the ovulation tester stick, we have scheduled our injections for the weekend.  We have to deliver E’s “sample” to the Andrology clinic at 8:30.  Then, we come back at 11:00 for the injection.  I was idiotically hoping that I would get to have an 11:00 appointment today.  Any extra little piece of luck that could come our way would be great.  Last month, we only did one injection of E’s stuff during my ovulation window, but we just decided to ask if we could do two this cycle and they said yes!  We are very excited about this additional possibility.  Hopefully, this will be the day our luck changes!